The year is 2020 and we are only a quarter of the way through what seems like the longest year of my existence. The hours, days, weeks and months seem to be moving at a a crawl. The new normal has become one of masks, gloves, constant hand washing and an endless stream of news updates. Lysol wipes and hand sanitizer have become our new best friends. We are living through a pandemic. The Coronavirus Pandemic.
I was made redundant (fancy way of saying I was laid off) in February. I recall right around that time the President of the USA downplaying the severity of the quickly escalating pandemic. I remember him stating we only had 15 cases in the US and that it would soon be taken to zero, boy o boy was he wrong. At that moment I was still dealing with the initial shock of being laid off and making plans for my next big adventure and didn’t give the Coronavirus much thought. It seemed as if this wouldn’t be that serious and I wasn’t going to be impacted. I had several successful phone interviews that seemed quite promising towards the path to new opportunities. All of a sudden it’s the middle of March and everything shut down. Literally and figuratively. The recruiters and company heads I had been in contact with all of a sudden went quiet. No one was going to hire in times of such insecurity. It was like from one day to the next the economy was put on pause. I still didn’t let this faze me and my positive thinking. I had a good severance package on hand and I would be OK for a few months…
Spring was rolling in and with that comes my usual bout of allergies. Stuffy nose, soar throat, headaches and a very annoying post nasal drip. It’s like my mind chooses to conveniently forget I have allergies until Spring time comes around. This year my allergies had a new fling. They met sometime in March and formed a bond. My allergies’s new found BFF was my dormant but debilitating anxiety.
I was diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) several years ago but I’ve been able to successfully self manage, or so I thought, by consuming medical grade marijuana. Medical marijuana had been my faithful companion for many many years and has gotten me through many of stressful times. I always had a stash of Xanax in the medicine cabinet for the occasional panic attack which came along very seldom. Anyone who has had GAD or suffers from a Panic Disorder knows how stressful and vicious the symptoms can be. It’s like having a heart attack without the heart attack. The common physical symptoms of a panic attack can include: rapid heartbeat, sharp chest pain, feeling as though you can’t breathe, sweating, dry mouth, dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps. The worst part of an anxiety induced panic attack is that once you have one and overcome it, you then fall into a black hole of anxiousness and hypersensitivity as to it happening all over again which creates even more stress.
Soon after all non essential businesses were mandated to close and social distancing was put into play it all got real, REAL QUICK. Coronavirus was no longer dismissed as insignificant and the bubble of “not gonna happen to me” was popped. Just as New York began to fall I found myself glued to the TV every morning to watch Andrew Cuomo address the nation. Watching the play by play minute by minute. I knew the positive cases count and death count by heart from the day before and starting crunching my own statistical numbers. I soon realized that no one was safe from the Chinese Virus as our President had falsely labeled it. He as many Americans needed someone to blame for so much havoc. It’s like we needed to put a face to this virus. I was deeply consumed in the news cycle without realizing the feelings I was stirring up deep inside my mind.
Then came the warnings of what to be on the look out for. The SYMPTOMS! Headache, fever, dry cough, difficulty breathing and fatigue. One morning I awoke to a tightness in my chest, headache, a dry soar throat which was causing me to cough and a splitting headache. Any other year I would have simply dismissed these feeling as allergies and move on with my life. But 2020 has proven to be very different from any other year I’ve ever lived. As you can begin to imagine, my mind went into full flight or fight mode and my anxiety hit me like a freight train. No matter how much my wife tried to tell me otherwise, I was convinced I had Coronavirus and I needed to go get tested. My thoughts were shuffling through all the mental pictures of life experiences I’ve lived and thoughts of death and worse case scenarios began to make themselves at home. My heart started pounding and my chest was getting even tighter as these untamed thoughts progressed. Little did I know, I was about to enter the midst of a full on panic attack.
Heart racing, difficulty catching a full breath and fingers tingling, I find myself in the midst of a panic attack. At that moment I couldn’t think straight and thought I was experiencing all the common Coronavirus symptoms. I immediately got to searching for the nurse hotline provided by my insurer and gave them a ring. After waiting on the line for a about 10 minutes I got through to someone. They were backed up and had civilians fielding the calls for the most drastic of cases. After a few questions I was told a Registered Nurse would call me within the hour. And in good ol 2020 fashion, that was one of the longest 45 minutes of my life! The nurse asks me a few followup questions and determines that my symptoms are not that of the Coronavirus but yet symptoms of a severe panic attack probably brought on from overthinking my allergy symptoms. She directed me to take Benadryl which would help with the nerves and the allergies. And so I did. I wish I could say that the story ends here and I was able to move on with my life. I relapsed into a few more panic attacks that week out of the same fear of having another panic attack. It’s a truly vicious circle that you feel you cannot get out of.
I was determined to beat this! I just wanted to feel somewhat “normal” again. I would find myself breaking out into tears out of the blue, with a tight chest and a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Would this be my new normal? Negative thoughts and insecurities constantly running through my mind is no way to live my life. By this time my allergies are in full effect and my body sensors are on overdrive. Although I had relaxed my news media consumption, I got wind of new reports of who was high risk. Diabetic, Obese High Blood Pressure individuals seemed to be the most at risk of severe complications. Even though I would tell myself all was gonna be ok, any abnormal feelings I experience would be interpreted as the most negative outcome possible. Could I have the Coranavirus and the nurse was wrong? Am I gonna have a heart attack? Is my family gonna be ok? Will I have a chance to say goodbye? All these thoughts constantly running through my mind like a GIF on replay.
As the weeks go by and the meds start to take some subtle effect I can say I have not had another severe panic attack. I have triaged my anxiety by practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Meditation and Tai Chi. I’ve drastically limited my medical marijuana consumption as the smoke is bad for the lungs. I’ve since opted for vaping the dry herbs as opposed to smoking to lessen the impact on my lungs. This approach would come as quite the surprise to anyone who knows me as I have not had much faith in therapies of the East and I have always been a heavy smoker. I can attest that these changes have each had their own bit of impact on me and my anxiety the anxiety I experience. As you can see, I’ve learned to not be the anxiety but accept and embrace is for what it is, an experience. Anxiety lives in the future and is based on ideas, not facts.
Everyday continues to be a challenge to overcome the feelings of anxiety during this awful pandemic but determination and love will get us through this. I’ve learned that love is the only thing that is real. Self love is so important in these times. I hope this story reaches someone at the moment they most need it. We got this!!
“Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”
– Bil Keane
frankiedman 